The Memories of You

The memories of you
have become harder to view.
If it were not for the pictures
that rest upon my desk.

The memories of you
haunt me day and night;
some I love to see and
some I wish were out of my sight.

The memories of you
in your pjs watching TV on
a brisk Saturday morning
all snuggled up in your chair;
are the memories I cherish most.

The memories of you
laughing and dancing as if
life was free and easy; all the
while it was not.

The memories of you
begin to fade in and out;
thankful for the pictures and
videos to remind me of a girl
who once lived in my life.

The memories of you
are harder to bare; as
times goes on and life
continues without you;
I am lost in a place I have
no way to get out.

The memories of you
are all that I have to
remind me that you were the
best of me and the best of
what I have to give.

The memories of you
will be forever etched on
my heart and soul.

love 

mom

Throughout my life I’ve had many experiences with moving on past a tragic or bad event. Each time, the movement forward was propelled by the people that were present in my life. Whether be a friend, a family member or GOD – there was always someone there who helped to clear the fog from the path I was walking.

I think for the most part it was my mother that consistently believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. Ultimately the choice to move forward though is our own. After my mother’s death in 1988 I was so angry. Even while 7 months pregnant, I found myself in such a state of depression that I wasn’t sure where to step next. It was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that helped provide the stepping stones for my journey. While it took close to 5 years to come to terms with the death of my mother, it was my daughter and her desperate fight for life near her 1st birthday that forced me to look beyond my pain and put my faith back in God.

During Brittany’s first 5 years of life, my thoughts frequently would go back to my mom’s death and the lingering questions I had that remained unanswered and have been even now. After Brittany was diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 5 many things in my life moved forward because there was so much to do. I was also in nursing school at the time and juggling so many stressful events. It’s as if I just kept moving forward – whether I wanted to or not. Life was happening so fast I could barely keep up.

I always wondered why God chose me to have Brittany when for the majority of her life she would deal with life-threatening illnesses and the eventual untimeliness of her death. Why would God put me through such a tragic time? I just wanted to know why. In retrospect I think back and see that God put one of the most profound people in my life for a reason. That reason was to teach me that I wasn’t in control of my life, God was. To teach me that love conquers all pain and sorrow. To teach me that God wants us to know him, to love him, to believe him and to extend that love to all.

I learned all of that through my daughter. She so understood the most simplest of lessons that God teaches, yet we as humans fail to recognize in our daily walk in life. To walk in love without prejudice. To walk in love without judgment. To walk in love without looking back. Today I still find myself shaking my head because I struggle with remembering that lesson. It’s only when I look at her life and the grace with which she chose to live her life despite many setbacks. It’s only then, that I know I have to, we have to – look for the stepping stones of our lives and keep taking those steps – one by one – out in faith.

It is through those steps that we can move beyond our loss, beyond our pain and into the light with a zest for life. If you are not there, you will  be. There will be one day when you can wake up and remember without crying. There will be one day when you can look through mementos and not cry with anguish, but perhaps with the joy of a great memory. There will be one day when you can know that part of your life was a gift, and so is the part – where you are now – right now – is the greatest gift of all. Embrace it. Live it.

until next time,

m

To me it means so many things. It’s the foundation of my faith; the hope instilled in my heart; and the assurance that God is in control.

But in my private moments whether it be in mind or alone in my apartment – the randomness of where my thoughts go continue to surprise me. I  have come to understand what has happened to me over the years but I have yet to understand “why”. It’s the why that holds me back. It’s the why that causes me to cry in the shower uncontrollably because my mind randomly goes to that place – the place where I try to avoid at all costs – the space in my heart that is void – that will not or ever will be healed. Perhaps a scar, but never healed.

Crying in the shower is something I’ve come to believe is cleansing to the soul – not just the body. I feel I can pour out my soul in the shower – as the water pours over me and into the drain – it is my hope that the tears will pour out of my body and down the drain. It’s exhausting to cry but also healing. Pain has to find a release. Tears are a perfect expression of the soul – pouring out it’s pain in hopes of healing the wound that is from deep within.

I still find avoiding looking at my daughter’s pictures. If I linger to long, I can no longer look away – I’m taken back to a time and begin to mourn all over again. So today was one of those days that I looked over at my favorite picture of her where her arms are crossed over as if she is hugging herself and thinking to myself how much I miss her hugs. Her love. Her laugh. Her happiness was infectious. I miss her everyday and I don’t think that will ever change.

I have a heart of gratitude for having been honored to be her mother. That God loved me so much to allow me the honor to have such a wonderful spirit of a daughter. I believe her spirit is among us and lives through us. I think sometimes I forget that and then I become sad. But I am reminded that she is part of me as I am a part of her. She will forever be a part of me. I will not forget her, I refuse not to speak of her and mostly I will never forget that she was my daughter.

At this Christmas time remember to look at your children and know that God has granted you the honor of being their parents. It’s a humbling thought if you allow that thought to move you into a place of gratitude. I am the spirit I am today because of my daughter’s influence. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me for so long. Love everyone, deny no one and be the hands of Jesus to everyone you meet. Just think if we all lived like that what a world we would see.

until next time,

m

I started the process of turning this blog into a book, but I have hit a wall and haven’t been able to move forward with it. I thought about support groups, but not sure that  is right for me. Previous experience about support groups have left me feeling more sad and helpless. So where do I go from here?

I do feel a strong desire to connect with other mothers who have lost their children, especially children my daughters age and most importantly single mothers who have lost their only child. Through this blog I have connected with a few moms, but it has been through church and friends where I have connected with moms who have lost their children. It is then when I feel I have some purpose.

One of the great lessons I’ve learned, especially since Brittany died, is that I cannot let her death defeat what God has planned for me. I have to find out where I go from here. I too, like others before me, have become stuck in my grief process. Even now I go through all the stages over and over again. Why – because that is what we grievers do. It’s our reality. It’s what we do with it that can make all the difference.

I do believe that support groups can be invaluable to anyone who hasn’t been able to get over a certain stage or has become stuck in one stage for too long. It certainly is easier when you have someone you can relate to as you go through your journey. There is some unspoken code between those who’ve lost a child – there is a blessing in knowing without speaking a word how one may be feeling. You will never know exactly as everyone’s experience is different. What’s key is having the ability to express your grief freely without feeling guilty for speaking of your loved one. Getting encouragement for your continued progress is by far the best thing a support person can give.

The passage below from 2 Corinthians 1:4 is one of the most powerful scriptures I have found that keeps me motivated to continue to write and connect with the hearts of grieving mothers.

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times,

and before you know it, he brings us

alongside someone else

who is going through hard times

so that we can be there for that person just as

God was there for us.

 until next time,

m

Now moving on. What I found most helpful in Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward: Embracing Life Beyond Loss” is Chapter 13 – Grief’s Classroom. As I reread this chapter I found many passages I had highlighted and as I evaluated their importance today – still very valid and still very real.

I recall once when I was attending a Grief Share class at my local church, probably about 3 months after Brittany died, and as I sat there listening to everyone’s story – an overwhelming thought came to me: Dear God don’t let this happen to me. Some of these attendees had been on the journey for years and remained stuck in a place and couldn’t find their way out. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I had to take control over my journey but led by my deepest faith in God and giving him the control instead of letting it control  me. I also knew that my journey would help others.

One of the things that is crucial is seeing progress. But if you don’t measure it, you won’t be able to see it. I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. Writing has been my way of tracking my progress. When I look at the posts on this blog and in my own private diaries – I see profound change and progress. I see a lot of pain and sorrow too. It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back. I’ve been as real as I can be and sometimes I’ve been too real and it has scared my readers. But know this: I’m a child of God and while I have moments of weakness and sometimes want to give up – I know that God takes control then and puts me back on track.

I have fought many battles with the devil over the death of my daughter. Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep I couldn’t see my way out. When  you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the devil. His little games he plays with  your mind – it can be devastating to your progress if you don’t ask God to take control. Prayer warriors have saved me so many times I cannot count. Below is an excerpt from Dukes book that I think is critical to overcoming this weariness:

“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”

I remember as I read that passage the first time, I went and wrote down scriptures like Romans 8:37: I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me” and I put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday. I put messages in my pockets. In my books. On  my laptop – anywhere I would see them to remind me I was NOT fighting this battle alone. I won’t deny that there weren’t times I couldn’t pick up my bible and read. My heart was so heavy I couldn’t bear it nor did I care. I was so wounded I had no desire to move on. I just wanted my  baby back.  But through friends, scripture and the shear determination of my God he got through. The light began to shine again in my life and it is only by the Grace of God and his constant viligence over my life that I am where I am today.

The following comment from Duke really helped me see I wasn’t alone, nor was I crazy like some people made me feel: “it takes at least eighteen months before anyone who grieves begins to experience longer stretches of time with less pain” – that was from H. Norman Wright’s book Experiencing Grief. It is during that eighteen months that you have to be mindful of every choice you make. To be careful with your heart, your life and the decisions you make on how you deal with your grief. This can be a time when one could become addicted to drugs, alcohol or behaviors that are not conducive to healing. Lean on God!!!!

My journals and my blog have allowed me to reflect upon my journey and most importantly it allows me to see my progress. Grief changes who you are and you become someone different. As Duke says – “we have to own our grief” “There is no formula, no set of instructions, no twelve-step program that works for every individual. Grief can shake, change, convince, challenge and contradict every preconceived notion or idea anyone has ever said or written about grief.”

Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. Now that I know that, my challenge today is to begin to let love into my life again. To trust that God wouldn’t send me someone to love if it wasn’t someone good and who will take my heart and keep it like a delicate flower. No one could ever take the place of my dear sweet Brittany – but so much more happened to me on this journey than just losing my daughter – I lost myself. I lost my desire to love or to let love in. Now it is time for love.

until next time,

m

So much is distilled in our tears, not the least of which is wisdom in living life. From my own tears, I have found, when  you follow your tears, you find your heart. – Ken Gire

In reading Susan Duke’s book Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss she speaks about tears and how in her own life after the death of her son it took her about six months before she could will herself not to cry. I think that timing is probably different for many, but I think for me it was about three months. Perhaps through my previous experience of loss I was able to “deal” with it better. I am not sure, but it also was at the holidays – where I cried endlessly for days and nights. I think at some point I was spent.

Through my many readings on grief, I came to understand the importance of crying and how if you hold it in for too long, it can cause many physical and emotional symptoms. I used to call it ”the lump in my throat” – seemed like it lasted forever. Now after five years, I can manage my tears well. I have control over when I let it go and when I keep it in. I also understand that it takes constant viligence to keep things in check. It doesn’t come natural and if anyone thinks it gets easier – it does not. You just learn to manage it better.

Duke says “Deep sorrow requires release”. She goes onto explain that unexpressed grief can become a “powder keg” of emotion. And that tears are part of our immune system and if not released, can bring about harmful effects both emotionally and physically. One of my most favorite quotes from  her book is:

“Let your tears flow, for they are the silent voice of  your heart.”  (Duke)

So if you need to cry – cry. Don’t be afraid of your tears. Find the time to give  yourself a break and release the pain and sorrow that resides in your heart. It is crucial to your healing to continue the journey, to not get stuck because you are afraid to speak your child’s name or to tell their story, or to just reminisce about them. It’s ok. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.

until next time

m

Click on the line above and it will take you to a Wordle I created for this scripture. I printed it out for myself to hang up to remind me that I need never forget how I have made it thus far on this journey of grief I didn’t ask for, wouldn’t want to be on, and most of all wished I didn’t have to be on. But I am and I have met some incredible people along the way who have helped me heal, grieved with me, grieved for me when I couldn’t, and I have also met some inspiring parents who, like me, have lost a child too soon. We are all connected by this one tragic event in our lives and I for one am blessed to know them and glad they are in my life today. As our children dance at the feet of Jesus and celebrate his birthday – I am reminded that God only knows why and my job is to listen and love those who surround me.

until next time

m

What Will Matter – Michael Josephson

 Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

 Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

 So too your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

 The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end. It won’t matter whether you where beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but how you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.

What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved  you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

May you all have a blessed and restful Thanksgiving holiday with your family and friends.

Malissa

As I reread and pondered over this chapter again for the umpteenth time I am reminded that it this chapter that made me rethink my journey and I came to terms with some things that were hurting my heart. Duke provides a map, if you will, to how becoming real with her grief and where it was taking her. She allowed us, as readers, to see it possible that it’s ok to feel what you feel, to think what you think, and sometimes you have to make big changes in order to move forward.

I found some of the scriptures she outlined in this chapter to be some of the most validating for me of my feelings and the hurt that permeated my heart. In the scripture below from Job, it was if the words were written by me as it was how I felt for so long after Brittany’s death. I know it was also how I felt when my mother died while I was seven months pregnant with Brittany.

“I go forward, but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I take.”
- Job 23:8 NKJV

I too felt so often in the early days of my grief that God was nowhere to be found. No matter how I often I cried out to Him, it didn’t feel as though He was present. But in my heart I knew He was listening. He showed up in ways that I inspired me. It was in those ways that I was also forced to re-evaluate my life and those present in it. The people God chose to put into my life after Brittany’s death was one of the first pictures of who God became for me. But it was also looking at where I was going in my life and the content for which lived each day – I had to get real. I had to examine what truly mattered and what didn’t. And in doing so, what didn’t matter needed to go.

Some people made it easy because what happened to  me scared them away. It still does today. How do I know? The silence speaks for itself. I will say no more about that. I also took a look at what was inside of my heart. How I felt on the inside was not always what you would see on the outside. I kept it quiet. Because I didn’t want to “bother” anyone with my pain. Sometimes it was because I could see from their body language or the look on their faces that they were uncomfortable with the topic. Little did I know that pushing all that pain down and away – delayed my journey. I got stuck.

I slowly began to say what was true. I stopped saying “I am ok” or “I’m fine” and began to say “today’s a rough day” or “it’s so hard today” and after that change the picture began to unfold in front me who in my life who stay and who would go. Duke experienced it. Job experienced. I’m sure anyone of you who read this blog have experienced it. It brings a lot of clarity to your life. One thing I learned is that you can’t please everyone. You cannot explain every day that you have a bad day and everyone will understand. They won’t. Grief belongs to those who are experiencing it. While I may have lost a daughter, I cannot understand another mother’s grief after losing her daughter, but I can know to  be present for them. To not be afraid of connecting with her. It is what we all need. To  be connected and not alone.

“Some who grieve chance internalizing their grief deep within rather than facing the disappointing truth that most of their friends and acquaintances don’t really want to be bothered with their sorrow. In these kinds of relationships, a hush keeps grief tucked away so no one will be uncomfortable. What’s the problem with a relationship like that, you might ask? – It’s not real.” (2006 Duke)

Once I read the paragraph above I came to realize I too had experienced this and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Like Duke I felt people wanted the “ole me” back and I understood that to be impossible. I was forever changed the moment I said “stop CPR” and said goodbye to the only thing that mattered to me. I was never going to be who I was. I was becoming real with what had happened. For me, like Duke, grief has changed every aspect of my relationships and every part of my life.

In closing I would challenge you all to become real and transparent. As you do, you will come to understand what is most important in life. All the fluff will fall away and what remains is at the core of who you are. Treasure that and move forward embracing life and all the while honoring your loved one. That is what I know my daughter would want for me and would expect from me. That is a lesson she taught me and Duke solidified in her book.

until next time,

m
 

As I end a 4 day time of reflection of what I have lost I am also reminded about the magnitude of Grace that God has bestowed upon me over the years to keep moving forward. It’s not always easy, but through my trials and losses, God is raised up as it is He who lifts me up each and every day. – my post on Facebook and Twitter today

http://www.buckheadchurch.org/messages - link to get to the messages if you are interested.

 

A very special song from Laura Story – Blessings that touched my heart.

It is my wish for each one of  you who follow my blog and find yourself wondering “When God?” – this song is for you and the messages from Andy Stanley may be just what you need to hear.

until next time,

m